there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
