Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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