i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
