I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
