my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
