Cold hands, warm shart.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
