I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
