She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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