I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
