You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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