I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
