So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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