Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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