last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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