I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
