I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
