woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
