I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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