I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
