I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize