I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
