there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
