Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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