he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
