We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
