I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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