i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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