my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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