I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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