he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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