seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
