You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You need a sexual gate keeper
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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