And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
