1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
