this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
