we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
