Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
