You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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