I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
