Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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