Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
