dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
