When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
