I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
