i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
