For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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