Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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