this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
