I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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