he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
