Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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