woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
