If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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