I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize