would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
