Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
