No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I think I just sharted jello shots
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
