Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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